


Rules

by Woon



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Blood, Cutting, F/M, Implied Consent, Implied Murder, Implied Rough Sex, Implied Sexual Content, Implied spanking, Jealousy, Murder, Overdose, Possessive Behavior, Self Harm, Smoking, Stalking, Suicidal Thoughts, Talk of Therapy, Thoughts of death, implied breathplay, reference to a dead canon character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 02:21:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13284906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woon/pseuds/Woon
Summary: Silas was barely keeping her foot on this plane of existence, then she met Victor.





	Rules

**Author's Note:**

> Most of this story was posted elsewhere. but I had left it unfinished for quite awhile. I had also posted it in short bits but I thought this needed to be one whole story since it is more of a one shot in my mind.

 

     It was still dark in the room, his soft gentle snores filled the silence, comforting in a way.  His arm draped over me haphazardly, I pulled out from under it carefully trying not to wake him. He rarely stays the whole night, I was worried he might decide to leave if I woke him. I had to refrain from touching him,  I like to run my hands over his bare scalp enjoying the smooth skin. The beads of sweat, when we’ve finished whatever sinful pleasures he decided upon for the night, watching it bead up and sometimes run down dripping on me.

    He shifted on the bed as I got up, “Where are you going?” The voice that makes me feel weak and needy, “Come back to bed, Silas.” Not a request, a command.

    “Have to pee,” whispering afraid he will get up and drag me back to bed despite my full bladder. “And I wanted a smoke.”

    He sat up to look at me, “Are you waiting for permission?”

    I let out a soft sigh, “Are we still playing that game, Victor?”

    He chuckled softly, “No, go pee. I’ll still be here.” The promise in his voice, the truth in his dark eyes.

    I looked at the bruises left on my skin from our game. Most of them can be covered with clothes. Except for the hickey, He made sure it was up high on my neck where he could see it. I stopped minding, I ignore the curious glances mostly because Victor might be watching. I’d hate to inadvertently get someone killed.

    “Hey.” Victor stood in the doorway, I didn’t hear the door open.

    I gave a half smile, “Got tired of waiting for me to come back to bed or?”

   “I pissed out the window.” He shrugged.

   “That’s gross, Victor. But at least you didn’t use the sink again.”

    He chuckled, “I washed my hands.” He watched me as I looked back into the mirror. “You aren’t her, Silas.”

    Victor came up behind me, “I know that. She’s beautiful and dead. And I am not.”

    He turned me around rather aggressively, “You are beautiful to me.” his voice filled with anger but his eyes showed something else. A caress along my jaw, “You are beautiful to me, Si.” His kiss was tender and I felt a tear run down my cheek.

* * *

       Three months ago I was alone. My cousin Liza just left one day, her letters just stopped arriving. I got tired of being alone so I started going out, but the people I came across were horrible so I retreated into the shadows and avoided them when I could. Sometimes, I would catch someone watching me, I’d blink and they would be gone. It was like that for a couple of weeks, I kept going out for the noise of people but made a point of coming home alone. But there was always that feeling of being watched, I didn’t feel like I was in danger.

    The night I met Victor, I wore my little black dress. Liza had left many of her things behind, so I had grabbed a pair of her stockings and the blue heels I got her for Christmas. They matched the blue eyeshadow she always wore. After debating it over in my mind, I finally put on some of the blue eyeshadow. Leaving my hair down I looked in the mirror once more, if I dyed my blonde hair darker I could pass for her. No, that was too, much even for me.

      I picked a stool at the bar and waited. I ordered a soda just to have something in front of me, plus it was cheap. A guy would approach and I would either wave them off or ignore them. I was waiting for that person. I felt certain it was a man, but it could have been a woman. I had been down that route before it was a just as heart-wrenching when they rip out your heart, sometimes worse. Liza was always there to comfort me when it happened, sometimes she even kicked their ass. I’m so lost without her. They weren’t coming tonight. Figures, I stop hiding and they don’t show. I paid for my now watered down soda, the ice melted hours ago.

    Making my way to the exit when I felt that prickly sensation, they’re here. But I’m tired of whatever game they are playing and they made me wait tonight. So, I kept heading for the door. Someone grabbed my wrist sending chills through my body. It was a firm grip it didn’t hurt, but the potential for pain was there in that gloved hand. Soft leather, another hand lightly caressing my captured arm, “Leaving without me?” I turned so I could match the face to the voice, to the hand that wouldn’t release me. Met with those dark eyes I knew could be the death of me, and I smiled.      

* * *

    I didn’t live far from that shitty bar, so we walked. His arm around my waist, possessive fingers digging into my hip slightly. We hadn’t exchanged names, we’d barely even spoken. I realized he already knew where to go, he had been watching me, stalking me. Excitement made my heart beat faster, maybe tonight would be my last. I smiled at the thought.  

   “Which floor?” I glanced at him, I just figured he knew.

    “Third,” he glanced at my heels.

     “Take those off.” The heels came off, I didn’t bother to ask why just did it. He picked me up so suddenly, I gave a small cry of alarm. “Shhh… don’t want to wake the neighbors, yet.” He whispered softly into my ear. It didn’t take him long to get us to my floor. He set me down and I walked towards my apartment, my stalker in tow.

     Barely in the door and he was pulling me into him. He slammed the door shut by kicking it. I let my shoes fall to the floor, as he claimed my mouth. It was an aggressive kiss, demanding. It had been days, weeks, even months since the last time I let someone touch me. He didn’t even give me the chance to give my consent, it was like he already knew.

     “Where do you want me to fuck you first? In your bed?” I nodded afraid he’d change his mind cruelly and leave. He scooped me up again and carried me towards the rooms, my door was open. I always closed Liza’s door. That first time was rather rushed, chaotic.  I had just barely got the condom on him before he slid into me.  I was wet enough that we didn’t bother with foreplay, we just needed that release quick and fast. Our bodies covered in sweat, crying out our pleasure. I felt so alive in that moment, that I didn’t want it to stop, knowing that it would end stabbed at my heart.

     “Did I hurt you…?”

     I think he was waiting for my name, “Silas. Si will do as well.” He cocked his head a bit, I get that often, Silas is not always a common name and generally not a very feminine name, but I like it well enough.

     “Did I hurt you, Silas?”

     I shrugged. “Not really, were you trying to?”  

     He bit my lip gently, “Is that something you, want?”

* * *

     I woke up to an empty bed, the early morning was cold and harsh on my bare skin. I felt the spot where he had lain, the warmth from his body gone. Grabbing the pillow he slept on I buried my nose in it picking up traces of his scent. Last night really happened, I felt a small sense of relief. I can get over waking to an empty bed, but the thought of last night not being real. I wanted to curl up in his scent but my bladder insisted I answer to its demands. Placing my feet on the cold bare floor was almost enough to send me scurrying back under the covers, but I prefer to not revert to pissing my bed like I did as a child. My backside ached at the memories that threatened to ruin my morning. I grabbed a t-shirt from the top of the laundry pile, I only wore it briefly so I guess it wasn’t really dirty. I needed to make the effort to take my clothes down to the laundry room. Maybe today would be a good idea.

     I adjusted the temperature as I got into the shower. I tuned out the world focusing on the water hitting my skin, the feel of the suds trailing down my body as I rinsed my hair out. Hands brushing my skin, I snapped back to reality.

    “Did I startle you, Silas?” his soothing voice in my ear.

    “A bit. I thought you left.” He brushed my hair off my neck so he could kiss the back of it.

    “You have no food in your fridge, so I bought us breakfast.” he gently bit my shoulder.

    “I don’t really eat much in the mornings.” I haven’t really been eating much of anything lately, Liza always bought the groceries, because I always came home, with cigarettes and junk food.

    “Well, you will have to start eating in the mornings, Silas. That is my first rule for you.”  

     I remembered him whispering his name as I fell asleep last night, “Okay, Victor.” He pulled me in tight, I could feel his length pressing against me. It seems this will be an interesting morning.

* * *

        He killed a man in front of me, but I don’t think that was his original intent, I know he meant to kill the man just not in front of me. I had gotten off work and decided to walk for a bit, it had been a long hellish day. Working in a call center was dull and tedious at best, followed by the dread of getting stuck on a long call with someone who clearly doesn’t want help and would rather scream their idiot heads off at me when I can’t do what they ask. Sometimes, a nice walk in the cool night air helps me clear out the awful things that build up in my brain while stuck in that suffocating cubicle. Liza used to fuss at me for doing that, walking alone at night. I tend to forget that Gotham can snatch a person away in a heartbeat. It happened to Liza.

      “Hey.” A man I didn’t know was trying to get my attention, I ignored him and walked a bit faster. “Hey,” the pain in my arm as someone grabbed it and jerked me to a halt. “I said how much?” It registered in my brain, he thinks I am a prostitute. It has happened before I tell them I am not and they generally let me go quietly or try to get me to go with them and I manage to get away. This was more like every woman’s nightmare type of scenario, I could tell he would not let me go. I felt myself being dragged to an alley, I didn’t scream, but I did dig my heels in, trying to resist. Numbness sunk in, is this how it ends? I almost laughed, maybe I should have.

   Then I saw Victor. I didn’t think he was really there at first until the man had released me. I remember a lot of blood all of it belonged to the man. The rage and fury I saw in his eyes as he mutilated my attacker in front of me, was exciting.

   Victor looked at me and something flickered behind those eyes. “Are you hurt, Silas?” I shook my head as he stood up never taking his eyes off me. I waited for what seemed an eternity before he came closer to me. Covered in blood he stood before me breathing hard and fast. “We need to leave.” he pulled out his phone and made a quick call, then took my hand, “Let’s go, baby.” I silently followed him back to my apartment.  

     I watched as he rinsed the blood off his body, “Did it frighten you, Si?” What he was really asking was did he frighten me.

     I watched in fascination as he made a cut on his arm. There were other cuts, tally marks. “Are those all…”

     He glanced at me, “People I killed? Yes.” Those eyes watching me, waiting.

     “You don’t frighten me, Victor.”

      That smirk, “No. I guess I don’t.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me into him, he ran his fingers through my hair. “I shouldn't have killed him in front of you.” I searched for words to say but settled on sliding my hand down his bare chest, imagining the blood was still there. I giggled softly.

* * *

     It was weird having food in the fridge again, in the cupboards. Victor’s doing. I’ve been following his first rule, eating in the mornings. My mornings had been coffee and cigarettes, but Victor’s rule changed that. I made the effort even when he didn’t stay over. Somehow I thought that if I didn’t follow that rule he’d stop coming around.

    “Do you know how to bake?” It was a month into our relationship when he asked me that. I remember looking up at him, I was in the middle of sucking his cock and he asked if I can bake.

    “I can read a recipe.” I did my best not to sound confused. He just nodded then waited for me to return to what I was doing.

     The next morning there was a cookbook on my kitchen counter with a note _“Try making the recipe on page 33. It’s an easy one. Victor.”_  I spent that whole morning trying to make them perfect. Crying in frustration, I collapsed to the floor in tears. I was on the floor for hours balled up when I felt arms folding around me. “All those muffins smell real good, baby. I’m sure they are perfect. Rule two, I will always eat what you bake for me.” he rocked me in his arms gently.

       I don’t remember falling asleep but I woke up in bed, with Victor holding me tight. I wondered if he was staying the night or not.

      “Go back to sleep, Silas.”  His body pressed against mine, there was no sleep for me at the moment.

      “Not tired.”

       Victor slid a hand lower, chuckling softly in my ear, “Someone is feeling better?” I moaned as his fingers danced over my skin the lower his hand went. I bit my lip knowing he was going to take his time, draw out the sweet torture. I grabbed his free hand and brought it to rest near my throat, he hesitated, “Are you sure?”  

       I let out a slow breath, “Please.” he nibbled on my earlobe gently as he tightened the pressure of his fingers on my throat. I shivered with excitement.

* * *

      Someone at my job hates me. I don’t know who it is, I keep to myself mostly. Nasty notes, pinned to my cubicles walls, they mainly tell me to kill myself. I didn’t tell Victor, not sure what he would do. Laugh it off maybe. It’s just paper, so I shred them up and go about my mind-numbing job.

      I was waiting for Victor to pick me up for lunch, smoking a cigarette when Calvin, a co-worker bummed a cigarette. He was trying to flirt with me, I smiled weakly but tried to move a bit away from him, I just wanted quiet. But he kept at it, rather aggressively after a while, he tried to touch me, I pulled away and bumped into someone. I felt a possessive grip on my waist and knew it was Victor. Calvin backed off, flicking the cigarette on the ground.

     “Who is that?” Victor growled quietly close to my ear.

     “An asshole co-worker.” I whispered, “One that wasn’t taking the hint to let me alone.”

      Victor was quiet on the way to the restaurant, he didn’t look at me the whole car ride. He was angry with me I suppose. Maybe this is what makes him leave me, I don’t want that, to be alone again. Perhaps, I should listen to those notes...

     He took us right past the hostess, passed all the tables, his gloved hand squeezing my hand almost to the point of hurting. He pulled me into a back room, “Out!”  He barked at the few people that were in the room. Victor locked the door as soon as they were all gone.

    Victor stalked towards me, “Rule three, you belong to me, Silas.”  My pulse sped up as his eyes pulled me into their darkness. I kicked off my shoes, just as he got to me. “Do you understand?” I nodded silently as he pulled me into him, “Say it back to me, baby.” he found the zipper on the back of my skirt and unzipped it causing it to fall off me.

    “Rule three I belong to you, Victor.” The words were barely out of my mouth as he smashed his mouth into mine causing me to gasp, his tongue probing. I struggled to unfasten his pants. He broke the kiss and I felt his teeth as he bit my neck, I forgot about his pants, “harder,’ I whimpered.

* * *

     I called in sick for the rest of the day. Victor was rather proud of the mark he left on my neck. He had stopped just short of breaking the skin, I had hoped he would. “What was that guy’s name, Silas?”

    I was sitting on the window ledge smoking, I glanced at Victor. “You mean Calvin. Why?”

    He just smiled at me. Oh, I thought, stupid question. I stubbed out the cigarette and flicked it into the night. Victor pulled me off the sill and closed the window as I stood off to the side.

    “I don’t like when you sit on the sill like that, Si”  Was that worry in his voice? Would it bother him if I fell out the window?

    “I’m sorry.”  

    Victor approached me, “Just be more careful.” He leaned in to kiss me, I pulled back saying I needed to brush my teeth. Victor grabbed my arms and pulled me close, “Please, don’t ever pull away from me Si.” He kissed me hard and I melted into him as he let my arms go. “Take a nice hot shower, baby. Then lay down for a bit. I need to go take care of something. I will be back in a few hours.” I gave him a small smile as he left my apartment.

       The bed shifting with his weight woke me up, “I didn’t mean to wake you, baby.”  He was sitting with his back to me, I crawled over and peeked over his shoulder he was gazing at his tally marks, he sometimes did that. There was a new mark, still bleeding a bit, he killed someone.

     I bit his shoulder gently, “You can bite harder, Silas.” 

     A soft giggle escaped my lips, “Victor?”  I sat back from him, giving him room to turn around. He ran a hand up my leg, quietly waiting for me to finish speaking. I had been wanting to ask if he loved me but it seemed wrong to ask him that. So I asked the next best thing, still terrified of the answer. “Do you belong to me?” He chuckled as he pulled me over to him, “That’s rule number four, I belong to you, Si”

       I felt the tears as they ran down my cheeks. Victor wiped them away “Please, don’t cry.” He kissed my cheek, pushing my hair out of the way he kissed the painful mark he had left on my neck. He paused briefly to help me pull my shirt off, he resumed kissing my neck trailing down my skin. Every time his lips touch my skin it burned into my soul, he pushed me onto the bed his hands sliding over my skin coming to rest on my breasts. The kisses became more aggressive and I felt his teeth gently pulling at my skin. Gliding his tongue along my collarbone as he gently squeezed each breast occasionally running his thumb over the nipples, sometimes in unison. Softly chuckling against my skin as he delighted in the moans and whimpers that escaped my throat. A soft kiss between my breasts, pausing as he decides which one he wants to play with more.

     “Please.” I gently tried to push him lower.

    “Not yet, baby.” I grabbed the nearest pillow throwing it off the bed in frustration. “I’m in charge tonight and I say we go slow.” He finally picked a tit and gently tugged the nipple on it with his teeth. He took his time and it was maddening, Victor knew it was torturous for me to go slow. “So impatient.” he moved to the other one taking his sweet time, chuckling at my frustrated groans. Another kiss on my sternum as he slowly started kissing his way down, he ran a hand over my rib cage gently. I noticed for the first time that my ribs weren’t as prominent as they once were, when did that happen, I wondered.

    Victor reached up and pinched a nipple causing me to cry out, making sure I was staying in the moment. Frustrated, I pushed his head gently again. He tweaked the other nipple. “Patience, Si,” he growled softly. It terrifies me when he is tender, it shouldn’t but it does. Maybe it’s because I keep expecting him to leave, the tenderness would make the heartbreak worse. Gentle kisses trailing further down to my stomach.

    “Please, stop.”

     Victor stopped with a sigh, “Why?” When I didn’t answer he sat up circling a finger gently on my hip. “Damn it, Silas. Talk to me.”  I couldn’t form the words. He got up and paced angrily, as I turned to my side pulling my legs up like I did as a child when the pain was too much. And the sobs came, the bed shifted as he pulled me into his arms, rocking me.

* * *

      Calvin didn’t show up for work. Days later cops were about the place, his wife had filed a missing person report. When I mentioned it to Victor that night he just shrugged, said she was better off without that douche. That subject was closed and it didn’t bother me.

      Victor had been brooding. Sex had gone back to the rough stuff, but he seemed sad sometimes.

     “Silas.” That tone in his voice, this is it, this is when he leaves. That stabbing pain in my heart.

     “Okay.” I got up and went to my room leaving him sitting on the couch. I crawled into bed, rather than watch the inevitable, to watch him leave. The bed shifted.

      “You are pulling away from me, baby. Please don’t.” I lay silently waiting for the words, to say he’s leaving but he doesn’t and that confuses me. “I did some research and found a few people that you could talk to, maybe it would help.” Shrinks. He wants me to talk to strangers.

     “I am fine, Victor.”  He touched my shoulder.

     “Think about it, Si,” Victor caressed my shoulder, ran his gloved hand down my arm. “I have to go, I have work to do. I’ll pick you up after work, I’m taking you dancing.”

 

       The notes kept coming, now there were pictures, drawings with suggestions on how to end my life. When Calvin vanished I had hoped they would stop, somehow I thought it was him. I should tell Victor about it, I think maybe he wouldn’t laugh it off like I originally thought.

       I woke up one morning, the bed was still warm from Victor’s body. There was noise coming from Liza’s room. I wanted to believe it was her but knew better. I slipped my slippers on, Victor had bought them for me, they were soft and comfortable. I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised to see Victor standing in Liza’s room, I didn’t expect to see boxes in the room.

      “What are you doing?”

       He looked over at me, “It is time to start thinking about letting her go, Silas.”

       I stepped into the room hesitantly I hadn’t really been in here since Victor came into my life. “I’m not sure I am ready to forget her, Victor.” He made a motion with his head and I moved over to where he was standing.

      “You don’t need to forget, baby.” he rubbed my arms, “You need to let go.”  It sounded simple but it wasn’t and he understood that. Victor picked up something off her dresser, “Tell me about this, what's its story?”

       It became a new routine, he’d pick a few random things and I’d give him their story. If an item didn’t have a story then we put it in a box. It was strange and comforting. We’d just sit in the middle of the floor sometimes the object sat between us, sometimes he held me as I talked. Maybe I am healing, the thought was not as terrifying as I used to think.

* * *

        The notes stopped so abruptly I started to think maybe I imagined it all. A lady at work started being nice to me, it felt a bit weird at first talking with her, but I would try to be polite and not brush her off like I generally do with co-workers.

        Victor picked me up from work since he had free time. “I think I made a work friend.” I saw Victor grip the wheel tighter, “her name is Dawn or Donna.” I saw him loosen his grip some but not entirely. “That’s good isn’t it, Victor? I mean making a friend?”

        He glanced at me quickly blank face, “I suppose.”

      “You think I should not talk to her anymore?”

      He frowned, “I didn’t say that, Silas. It’s just you say you hate it there, I thought you wanted to quit that job.”

     Victor’s right I hate it there. “But what will I do if I quit that job, Victor?” He didn’t answer at least not right then.

       “You could work in a bakery,” Victor answered my question the next morning eating the muffins I made.

       “Making muffins for my lover hardly makes me a baker, Victor” He hopped off the counter and grabbed me by the waist pulling me into him. He pushed my hair to one side so he could nibble on my neck.

     “Call in sick today, baby.” When I didn’t respond he bit my neck hard, causing me to cry out.

     “I need to get to my phone,” He pulled an arm away so he could reach into his coat pocket.

     “Use mine.” He never lets me touch his phone.

     “But you don’t have…” There it was my work number, on his phone labeled as ‘Silas hates this place’. I noticed a long list of numbers labeled with things like ‘Silas loves eating here’ or ‘Si’s favorite candy shop’ I was stunned.

     “Si, call and tell them you can’t come in today. Please.” After calling in I turned to look at Victor, as he quietly took back his phone. For the first time, I had that hope that maybe this life is real, that Victor is here to stay. That he cares. He does so much for me and I’ve been waiting for him to leave.

     “I think, I might consider seeing one of those people you mentioned.” It seemed like he had been holding his breath because he let out a relieved sigh. His eyes seem to light up and his smile was wide. That hungry mouth of his crashing into mine.

         Victor was draped over my body keeping me pinned to the bed as he slept. I tried to wiggle free. “No,” Victor said firmly.

       “I’d prefer not to piss in the bed, Victor.” He rolled off of me to let me up. I could feel his eyes on me as I left the room. “Silas.” I turned back meeting those dark pools that are his eyes, “I’d like to leave imprints of my hands on your pretty little ass, baby.” I left the room giggling.

       I opened the bathroom door and he was standing there still naked hands behind his back, smiling. I moved out of the way thinking he needed to use the toilet. He shook his head, “I used the kitchen sink.”

      I smacked his arm gently, “You realize I now have to disinfect the sink.” He gave me a blank look. “Sometimes I prep food in the sink, Victor. Please don’t piss in my sinks, it is fucking disgusting.” I tried to pass and he blocked my path. That mischievous look on his face, hands still out of sight. Victor was up to something. I ran my hands down his chest slowly, “What do you want, Victor?”

     Victor leaned in close, “I already told you, Silas.” I hadn’t realized his hands were no longer behind his back until I felt soft leather on my naked back. Gliding down until they grasped my ass, hard enough that I felt his fingers digging in slightly. “My handprints on your pretty little ass.”

     He waited for my consent, even though he knew the answer would be, “Please.”

* * *

     The office chair at work doesn’t have enough padding in the seat, not very forgiving to a sore bottom. I sat there smiling, remembering the feel of leather as Victor ran his gloved hands over my body. The phones began ringing and gave me little time to think on the previous day's fun. Donna chatted with me between calls, apparently, she has two kids from a previous marriage. She chatted on and on about them in between calls, then that awkward moment when she asked if I planned on having children. Having to explain to a woman I barely know that kids are a near impossibility for me, explaining that to someone who could easily pop out another child if she wanted, stung. I didn’t even want kids. The notes were waiting when I came back from lunch. I just want them to go away. I shredded them all and left work, I didn’t even bother to let them know I was leaving.

     “I think I quit my job today,”  I told Victor when he let himself in that night.

     “How do you feel about it?” He asked taking off his coat. I watched him slip out of his gun harness.

      “I don’t know. I just had to leave. So I did.” He joined me on the couch and I snuggled into his arms.

     “Do you want to talk about it?” We’d already had the kids conversation, we’d both said no to kids.

      “Donna has kids.” Victor ran his fingers through my hair.

      “She asked you the question you hate?” I nodded into his chest.

      “She didn’t know, no one there knew, it wasn’t her fault.”

       He kissed the top of my head. “I won’t kill Donna, you seem to like her.” I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath until I let it out and relaxed. “So you aren’t going back?”

      “I don’t want to go back, but I can’t pay my bills if I don’t work.”  

      Victor chuckled, “Si, I started paying your bills the week we started dating. I would have thought you noticed by now, baby. When is the last time you even looked at your account?”

      I shrugged. “I just do that math in my head, Victor.” I’d check my account tomorrow. I felt a pang of sadness knowing that he would have made an excellent father, to the children we didn’t want.

 

* * *

      Donna called me to see if I was okay, she apologized for upsetting me. I’d forgotten we had exchanged numbers, I was a bit shocked she called. I told her not to worry, that it wasn’t her fault, told her that I wasn’t coming back, that it was a decision I had made some time ago. She asked me out to a friendly lunch. I told Victor about it, “Do you want to go to lunch with her?” I thought about it before answering.

      “I think so, she seems nice.”

       He grabbed a freshly baked muffin, “Then go to lunch with Donna.” Victor glanced up from his muffin, “You should move in with me, Silas.”  Which means he wants me to move in with him, I’d prefer he just say what he means.

       “That’s not the best way to ask me.”

       “ I know.” He watched me sip my coffee, “Would you like to live with me?” I did, but I’m afraid to leave this place, I need to leave this place. Drowning in the past is eating away at my soul, he knows it, I know it, letting go is difficult.

       “I’ll think about it.” Victor abandoned his muffin to pull me into a hug.

       “If you aren’t ready, I understand, Si.” Tenderness in his voice. Dread in the pit of my stomach, this side of him troubles me. Always waiting for him to say it was never real, but now I am beginning to believe he won’t leave me. It terrifies me that he wants me happy, that he takes care of me when I can’t be bothered. Moving in with him would make everything more real in my mind. It was an overwhelming thought. Victor kissed my forehead, “Have a nice lunch with your friend, baby.” He bent and brushed a soft kiss on my lips, before pulling away. He grabbed his muffin and walked out the door.

 

        Lunch with Donna was nice, it wasn’t horrible. She seems like a really nice person, which is not always easy to find in this city. I just let her talk, while I tried not to zone out when I was bored. I was thinking of moving in with Victor, was it too soon? No. Not really, Victor took over all the things I always let Liza handle. I gave Donna a smile when she paused in her rambling. Victor and I are both people who keep our conversations short, we are generally quiet people, but I found that I was missing the constant chatter that Liza would assail my ears with on occasion. I didn’t like chatter from strangers like the ones I dealt with at the call center, but I found Donna’s chatter acceptable. No underlying malice.

         “Should we get a dessert?” Donna’s question popped me out of my thoughts.

         “Just coffee for me.” I insisted on paying, eventually, Donna let me pay, not wanting to upset me most likely. Donna is a hugger and I let her hug me despite the fact that I would have preferred no contact.

         “Let’s do this again, only next time, I pay and you get a dessert.”

         “I can’t guarantee I will eat the dessert.” I gave her a half smile.

         “You take it home to your boyfriend, Silas.” She giggled and it was pleasant.

 

         “How was lunch with your friend?” Victor asked me, we were curled up on the couch eating shortbread. He nuzzled into my neck to get me to respond.

         “It was pleasant, we might do it again. She’s nice.” Victor ran his fingers through my hair.

         “Good,” He let out a sigh. “Boss needs me to do a job out of town, I’ll be gone three days max. You can stay with the Girls if you want.”  

         “When do you have to leave?” I didn’t want him to go.

* * *

        The first day Victor was gone was fine I had gone that long without Victor, it was quiet. The Girls came over bringing some movies, so we watched movies. They were quiet, like Victor, I was used to that. Luna was the crazier of the two. She sang me a song in Korean and it was beautiful, Iris had brought her sketchbook and sat quietly drawing most of the time. They spent the night, sleeping in the bed sandwich between them, I felt safe.

      The second day Victor was gone I made an effort to pack up some more of Liza’s things. It hurt less letting go of her. The Girls had to take care of some things promising to hang out with me the next day. Donna called and we made tentative plans for lunch the following week. Victor called in the evening, he’d miscalculated he’d need a fourth day for the job. My mood dropped.

       I woke up to the notes, someone had been here and left the notes. I was a sobbing mess the rest of the morning. In between crying fits, I managed to get them all collected and destroyed. The Girls picked me up and we went shopping for groceries and baking supplies. They both seem worried, about me maybe. They couldn’t stay the night, I wish they had.

 

      The bottle just sat there on the counter. A letter next to it. I read the letter and tears fell, my eyes burning, from the words on the page. I got a glass of water and opened the bottle, hands shaking. I swallowed that first pill. I don’t know how many I took, I just know that eventually, the room got lighter as the sun rose in the sky. Everything became a haze, I decided I should go lay down and sleep I didn’t make it to the bed.

     I was floating. I felt so light I wanted to fly away, but when I tried something tugged at me, pulling me back. Let me go, I thought sadly. Someone one screaming my name. Their voice was filled with anguish. I floated down wanting to see what was trying to make me stay. Something grabbed me, shook me. I felt something course through my body making me jump involuntarily. Fresh air hitting my skin, as I float on my back. I blinked, bright lights, strangers in masks. Voices I don’t understand what they are saying. I blinked again. A hand holding mine, the sounds of someone sleeping, I squeezed the hand gently and the gentle snores stopped.

       I barely recognized him. Dark circles under his eyes, eyes bloodshot, had he been crying. He doesn’t cry, not my lover. “You came back,” I barely recognized my own voice.

       “I said I would.” his voice was more hoarse than mine, I realized he was the one who brought me back, his screams, his anguish, feeling guilty that I caused this pain. He kissed me gently. Victor rested his forehead against mine, “Rule number five, I will always come back to you, Silas.”

       “I’m sorry, Victor. I didn’t mean to cause a fuss.” Victor crawled into the hospital bed with me and held me close. I felt safe again.

* * *

       “You are beautiful to me, Si.” Repeated through tender kisses. Victor cradled my face in his hands, “I wish you could see how beautiful you are to me.” It had been a few weeks since the pill incident, a week since I left the hospital, two days since my first therapy. Truthfully, I should probably still be in a hospital. I was definitely considered a suicide risk, but I had no plans to make that effort again. I still felt guilty for causing Victor pain.

       “It’s going to take time for me to see what you see, Victor.” I let out a soft sigh, as he pulled me into him. I listened to his breathing as he ran his fingers through my hair. “Thank you.”

       “For?” His voice was so quiet, he never paused in his caresses.

       “For not giving up on me.”

       

**Author's Note:**

> The notes, I realize I never really fully explain about them or how she got the bottle. I feel I may go back at some point and clarify it better. Or maybe leave it as is... This story is rather personal for me since it is a magnification of many of the thoughts that plague me constantly, well the self-hate, the suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't say that their relationship is exactly healthy either. I mean he was stalking her in the beginning and he can be controlling, even if he thinks he is helping... I didn't want it to be one of those happy everything is all better now endings, because it doesn't usually go that way. I may have downplayed it a bit, but I hope it is clear that she is still not entirely well and her recovery will take time.


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